Webs

It is important to know if you’re making a decision to benefit yourself in the eyes of others or to benefit yourself for you and your needs.

These words spun themselves around my head casting webs over my thoughts for days and weeks as I tried to decide whether or not to drop my Anatomical Kinesiology class. As with all webs that are left undisturbed they grow bigger and wider and consume more space. I knew I needed to drop the class because I wasn’t able to give it the attention it needed and I was not able to benefit from the knowledge being given to me. The only reason I was doubling this difficult class up with other challenging courses was in an attempt to stay ahead before I left to study abroad. I tried tutoring, office hours, extra work nothing could catch me up. I knew I was tangling myself further in. Unfortunately, as I continued to considered whether or not I should drop I thought of other people instead of myself. I wondered if my mom would be disappointed, I wondered if my friends would think less of me, I wondered what my professors would say, and then I wondered why I cared. I know what’s best for me and that is always always what I need to do.

          I have ceaselessly realized i have an internal locus of control and consequently credit myself with my success, but also beat myself up over my failures. I was so deeply concentrated on wondering what other people would think of me if I axed this class that I didn’t even bother thinking the long term effects staying in it would have.

          After talking to my professor, my advisor, and thinking solely of myself I decided to drop. The relief washed over me and the webs disintegrated. Its crazy to say, but I didn’t realize how much this decision was corrupting my mood. Being conscious of thoughts is essential. This small problem left untaken care of began to intertwine with other parts of my life in negative way, and so I leave you with this:

It is important to know if you’re making a decision to benefit yourself in the eyes of others or to benefit yourself for you and your needs.